tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79486428112302426302024-02-20T04:21:28.020-07:00For JesseIn honor of my first baby, a son who was lost at 19 weeks gestation.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-33338472957889295222010-12-18T18:37:00.000-07:002010-12-18T18:37:19.857-07:00One Year LaterOne year ago tonight, our nightmare began. One year ago tonight, I went into the hospital with my precious baby. One year ago tomorrow, I left without him.<br />
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They say that time heals, and it does. It does not take away the pain, but it makes it less intense. Some days I'm just fine and others, it rips my heart out to see a baby who is about the age Jesse should've been. Or to walk through a store and see something I just know I'd have bought for him. Some days I resent friends and family who have had healthy babies since we lost Jesse, or who are expecting them. What gets me most though is the people who say that we need to "get over it" or "move on." I KNOW that a lot of people have lost their babies too, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a need to remember him and have him remembered. A lot of people...A LOT of people...just don't get it.<br />
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I'm still not sure just how Sami understands this whole thing. Some days she says that her baby brother is in heaven. Then other days she asks when WILL her baby brother get here? This week she had some sippy cups that she brought back to our house from her grandparents' and she kept saying that the cups were her baby brother's. Over. And Over. And Over. Billy finally had to tell her to stop saying that because I couldn't take it any more. <br />
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I've come to the realization that maybe having a baby just isn't in the cards for us. We're not getting any younger. We have been trying for 5 months and no dice, and an illness has now left my body too weak to carry a child. So maybe it's just not meant to be.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-87191158511306023722010-09-12T10:48:00.000-06:002010-09-12T10:48:20.911-06:00Long time...Wow, it's been a while since I've blogged. Last week we were watching Sami's soccer practice and it was such fun to watch her play! She had a huge grin on her face the whole time and it just made me feel good to see her having so much fun. As they practiced, ominous clouds threatened to open up at any time but they only got a few sprinkles, and then the skies opened up just as we were returning to the car. As we watched, a faint rainbow showed up over the field and continued to grow in brightness. By the time we were driving home, it was the brightest rainbow I think I've ever seen, and FULL...we could see it clearly from end to end, with a faint double rainbow slightly above it. I tried not to, but my mind led me to think that maybe this was a sign that maybe, just maybe, we'll finally have our rainbow baby! Anything feels possible.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-35527292850117271782010-08-06T19:39:00.000-06:002010-08-06T19:39:28.655-06:00Yes, I'm ready.This week I went to visit a dear friend and her week-old baby. I was unsure of how I'd react to him but wanted to visit them anyway before school starts. It helped that she was so kind and asked me if I was okay seeing him before hand. Somehow what seems like the smallest gesture, just acknowledging that I may have conflicting feelings about it and asking if I was okay, <i>made</i> it all okay. More than okay! It was the best thing I could have done, I think. I held this tiny, tiny baby (I swear his head is hardly bigger than my fist) and I'm not sure how getting peed on can melt your heart, but that's exactly what happened when this little guy leaked all over me! (His mom was mortified, but it was all good.) If anything, I think that it solidified my feeling that yes, I really am ready. With all the emotions it will bring, I am ready to be pregnant again, to believe that we will have our little baby in our arms soon. And when it does happen for us, it will be all the more special, and I will embrace it, pee pees, spit ups and all!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-52043364716424433332010-07-28T17:46:00.000-06:002010-07-28T17:46:17.304-06:00A MiracleAwhile back, I was listening to a talk show on the radio on the way home from work. It was one of those deals where they have people call in and share their personal problems and they have listeners give them advice. I don't remember the topic exactly but it revolved around pregnancy, and one of the DJs said something to the effect of, <i>"Blah blah blah...and don't give me that crap about childbirth being such a miracle, it's not. Women do it every day. It's just science, blah blah blah."</i> I so badly wanted to call in and tell him that it IS a miracle that people make it to full term and deliver healthy babies every day, <i>because there are so many of us out there who do not</i>. And I believe that. How miraculous the whole process is, from conception through all the growth and development to the ridiculous act of birthing a child, it is a miracle!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-84612698490605544912010-07-26T21:00:00.000-06:002010-07-26T21:00:20.874-06:00"Go forth..."Sitting down to lunch together today, Sami quipped conversationally over hot dogs and black olives, "So, what DID the doctors say about...you know, the babies...not coming out?" <i>How old is this kid anyway, because that did not sound like a 5 year old!</i> I had not mentioned my surgery to Sami, though she knew I had to go to the doctor, so she probably just connected the dots that it was baby related. I don't want her to know if we're trying again or not so that there is no more roller coaster for this child until it seems imminent that there will actually BE a baby. I just said, "They don't know, babe" and she let it go.<br />
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The fact is, in my impatience, I emailed my surgeon the other day even though our follow up isn't until the 10th. I asked him if he was going to recommend anything else before we start to try again. His response was, <i>"Go forth and procreate. There is no need to wait." </i> (I'm not sure if he was going for the rhyme or not.) So. There it is. We have a green light.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-10520356787365719162010-07-24T11:26:00.001-06:002010-07-24T11:35:52.635-06:00Keepin' OnThis is a hard time to be a part of this demographic. (Because usually it's a pretty easy road, right? <i>Note sarcasm.</i>) We are far enough out now that many of the people we're on this journey with are moving on, getting pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them and wish them nothing but the best. But of course there's that twinge of jealousy wishing that it was me. And hopefully it will be very soon!<br />
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Isn't it funny how I can be happy for the friends welcoming their rainbow babies and yet still so bitter toward others who are so blissfully ignorant? There is a commercial on now, I think it's for a phone, and the woman is telling her husband that she's pregnant. The last line is, "You're gonna be a daddy!" and every time I just want to scream, "DON'T COUNT ON THAT!"Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-25898493546848849392010-07-20T10:52:00.002-06:002010-07-20T10:52:35.563-06:00A RainbowI've often wondered why a baby after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby. Well, it seemed somewhat obvious, but a friend shared this today. <br />
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<i>It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful & full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy & hope. Unknown</i><br />
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I'm feeling impatient for that rainbow in our lives.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-88100367165332117392010-07-19T21:54:00.000-06:002010-07-19T21:54:21.060-06:00Seven MonthsToday marks seven months since Jesse died. Seven months. The better part of a year. Jesse should have been about two months old now.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-9275418790721575892010-07-16T22:21:00.001-06:002010-07-16T22:21:43.800-06:00From the Mouths of BabesToday Sami and I were at the swimming pool, and she was delighted when another little girl showed up and wanted to play. The girls were playing on the pool steps and I heard the girl-Her name was Jasmine-ask Sami if she has a brother. Very matter-of-factly, Sami replied, <i>"Oh, no. I don't have a brother here. I DO have a brother but he is in heaven. He is in heaven with God."</i> Jasmine was a bit perplexed and kept asking over and over, "Are you SURE your brother died?" and then she yelled across the pool, "HEY MOM, HER BROTHER DIED!" The funny thing is, this whole conversation didn't bother me at all. Sami had said exactly what I have hoped she would say if anyone asked her about Jesse. She wasn't bothered by the little girl's questioning, and I know that Jasmine was just trying to wrap her brain around the idea that Sami's brother had died. Her mother, on the other hand, was very uncomfortable and finally told the girl to be quiet. I wasn't sure if I should explain to her or what so I just kept my mouth shut...but now I wonder what she thought.<br />
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The neighbors downstairs had their baby, a boy. I haven't seen him yet, or heard any crying. I want to take them the formula that came in the mail shortly after Jesse's due date and ask if they can use it, but I don't want to have to explain why. I don't <i>think</i> I want to explain. A little part of me <i>wants</i> them to know what we've been through. I guess it'll always be that way, wondering what others think if they do know, or how they would react if they <i>did</i> know.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-14184215152552524482010-07-14T20:10:00.004-06:002010-07-21T22:47:28.537-06:00SurgeryWell, today was the day. My surgery went fine, even easier than expected actually. That's the good news. The surgeon said the procedure was easier because the growths he saw in my uterine cavity seemed to be polyps, not the fibroids he thought they were. The whole procedure took only 30 minutes and we were on our way home 2 hours earlier than expected. The bad news is that polyps don't so much explain the losses we've had. I was pretty groggy when he told me this, but what he told Billy was that they'd just monitor me more closely if I get pregnant again.<br />
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Wait a minute...isn't that what they told me for the LAST pregnancy? And didn't they not want to see me until I <b>started to miscarry</b>? How will it be different this time? I know that I have to be proactive for myself and insist that they see me but I guess I don't know how to do that. My cousin suggested that I get all my medical history from the first loss up till now, and take it to a NEW OB and demand a consultation. I'll find out what they are willing to do to work with me before I even get pregnant. Might not be a bad idea.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-22013680577876999982010-06-23T22:45:00.000-06:002010-06-23T22:45:31.850-06:00Hope RegainedWe went to the reproductive endocrinologist today. There is good news and bad. The bad news is that there <i>are</i> fibroids, and some of them are <i>in</i> my uterus. The good news is that they can be removed with a simple surgery that requires no cutting and virtually no recovery time! The doctor said we could try again as soon as a month or two after surgery. He said he can't guarantee that they are what caused our losses, but that it's a good possibility. I am scheduled for surgery on July 14.<br />
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It's been a busy couple of weeks. The day we came home from vacation, Billy graduated from DeVry. I'm so very proud of him! Now I just hope that the job market will open up for him! We are planning a graduation party later in the month. (3 days after my surgery, so I hope the doc is right in saying I'll be back on my feet as soon as the anesthesia wears off!)Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-86147772316434950072010-06-17T18:05:00.000-06:002010-06-17T18:05:51.328-06:00Moving forwardWe've been on vacation in the mountains this week. Isn't it amazing how we can go on vacation and still be totally connected? Maybe that's not always a good thing, but this week it was. On Monday, my mother-in-law and I drove back down to Denver for my HSG. They put dye in my uterus and took pictures to try and figure out these fibroids. My perinatologist called me yesterday and said that indeed there are fibroids and they are in the uterine cavity. He referred me on to Reproductive Endocrinology. They will be able to talk to us about the options we have from here. So I made an appointment with them for next week. Another round of waiting to see what comes next for us!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-91464377127123831122010-06-10T23:29:00.001-06:002010-06-10T23:33:26.552-06:00The most selfless act...Yesterday, my friend Julie, who's in town visiting with her 2 month old son, texted me. She had an idea and wanted to talk to me and Billy about it. Several texts later, she and her baby, her sister and HER baby, and her 4 year old niece were on their way over for a swim. <i>I was worried about how I might react to the babies. Julie's son was born just a month before Jesse's due date.</i> I worried for nothing though, because it was such fun to have two tiny little ones and to watch her niece in the pool. I wished that Sami had been here to play with her. Anyway, I haven't even mentioned the incredible part of the story. Julie's idea was this. <i>What if, should we find out that we couldn't carry a child, she carried it for us?</i> After all, she's healthy and has her son, and isn't planning on having another for a few years. I am brought to tears by her generosity and kindness. To have even thought of offering it...she said she's been thinking about it for a long time, but just hadn't said anything yet, and her husband is supportive as well. Wow. It got my brain spinning. We are not to that point yet, and will continue with our doctors to try again, but it is very comforting to know that we have options. By her mentioning it, a door has been opened. It will make it easier for us to start thinking about it, should it come to that. I don't even know how to express to her how touched and grateful I am. How do you thank someone for such a selfless offer?<br />
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(I know these posts are out of order...but I thought this one deserved its own title!)Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-44410095530219539722010-06-10T23:16:00.001-06:002010-06-10T23:18:05.985-06:00Long time...I had lunch with a friend today, who reminded me that I haven't been on here for some time. Guess that last month of school really got away from me! I had more teary-eyed kids on the last day of school this year than I think I ever have in the past. Did my emotional state wear on them that much this year? Then again, a bunch of them wanted my email address so they could write to me over the summer, and has anyone written yet? No! It is such a relief to have a little time to relax and gather my thoughts now. <br />
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A few weeks ago, I picked Sami up at the sitter's, and her grandbaby was there. She was only 8 days old, and just sleeping away! On the way home Sami said, "Did you see that baby? She's so little! And she was just sleeping and sleeping. Karen, when are we going to get our baby?" Sigh. Some day, I hope! My friend and I were talking today about the children we DO have, and how they sometimes get overshadowed by the babies we lost. It seems like we spend so much time memorializing the ones we lost and mourning them that we have to be sure to continue to honor the ones we do have. It is striking, the insight these very small children have, even at such tender ages. Sami's mom says that Sami often tells her, "Mom, I AM a big sister you know. My brother just lives in heaven." I have a fear that she will forget about Jesse. I don't want her to grow up and stop acknowledging that she is a big sister. <br />
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I went to the perinatologist on the 4th. He seems to think that the fibroids are "where the money is." I'll be having an HSG (histosalpinogram) next week where they'll take pictures of my uterus to see what's going on physically. After that, we wait for results. Then the doctor will decide if we should have the fibroids surgically removed. Or he may send us on to reproductive endocrinology. So it's more waiting. And I'm wishing that I hadn't waited to go to the doctor in the first place because maybe by now we wouldn't be waiting any more! He also said he thinks the clotting is a non-factor.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-2824327113451747922010-05-15T21:30:00.000-06:002010-05-15T21:30:54.196-06:00Jesse's DayThursday, May 13, would have been Jesse's due date. I took the day off ahead of time, unsure of how I'd feel that day. Though I teared up once or twice, it was an okay day. I was grateful to spend some time with Renee for a Jesse's Day lunch...it's so nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it. If you haven't been through this thing, you really can't get what it feels like. I am still working up the courage to get my tattoo...Jesse's little feet with wings. <br />
I'm down to 12 days of school this school year. I can't tell you how ready I am for a break. I've been struggling a lot this month with my own emotions, to the point that it's hard to focus on my students and their needs over my own. I'm so tired of feeling sad and angry and short on patience, tired of feeling resentful of people with babies, tired of thinking when I find out that someone is pregnant, "Well good luck with that" instead of the excitement and joy I should feel for them. It seems like EVERYONE and her sister is pregnant these days!<br />
Maybe summer will give me the time to relax and focus on myself that I need to get back to a healthy state of mind.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-39180866572306695022010-05-09T11:02:00.000-06:002010-05-09T11:02:28.381-06:00I am...I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.<br />
I wonder if he’d have had his daddy’s eyes<br />
I hear his laughter, his cry in my dreams<br />
I see his tiny pink feet<br />
I want to feel his sweet breath on my cheek<br />
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.<br />
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I pretend that it didn’t happen like it did<br />
I feel aching emptiness<br />
I touch the silky blanket with no baby wrapped in it<br />
I worry that he is alone<br />
I cry. I cry.<br />
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.<br />
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I understand that I will not hold him<br />
I say it will be okay<br />
I dream that one day we will know each other<br />
I try to make sense of it all<br />
I hope to one day cradle my own child in my arms<br />
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-66261097433650676242010-04-30T20:30:00.000-06:002010-04-30T20:30:46.969-06:00TailspinningThis week when I went to pick Sami up at the sitter's, I walked in to find my friend's 19 year old and very pregnant daughter sitting on the couch. I found it very difficult not to stare at her belly, a belly like I should've been hauling around about now. She's due 2 weeks after I was. As that date comes closer I'm feeling more and more anxious. And let's not even start on Mother's Day! Billy asked me what I want to do for that day, since I <i>am</i> a mother, and really, I don't know. Ignore it completely? <i>I don't want to.</i> But what on Earth would be a suitable way to spend that day? I can't even imagine. <br />
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I called to make an appointment with the Perinatologist this week and he's already booked through May. The sweet receptionist told me the dates he'd be in in June, but that she didn't have the official calendar yet. She told me to call right away on Monday to get an appointment in June. In the meantime, I'm having terrible headaches since I started taking birth control pills again. Billy suggested I just stop taking them. And I'm tempted. It's so hard because I feel like we're wasting time. You know they say third time's the charm. And in a way I'm terrified to GO to the doctor for fear he'll tell me that I'll never carry a child. And then what? <i>Then what??</i> <br />
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Check out the poem I posted at right, "Don't Tell Me." It was shared with a friend from the Mondays in March group. How I'd like to send it to everyone I know!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-63811415204574615342010-04-27T20:43:00.001-06:002010-04-27T20:51:35.830-06:00The MarchThe March for Babies was last weekend. There were 4-8 inches of snow predicted, so imagine my relief when I peeked out the window to see a grey and windy, but dry day. Our team, <i>Jesse's Honor</i>, consisted of Billy and me and our cousin Carly, plus my colleague, Diane, and her husband, Tim. Our Mondays in March group was there and it was really nice to walk with all of them. And it turns out, when you have great people to talk with, five miles isn't so bad! I was so proud of our fundraising efforts...we came in at $635~not bad considering our original goal was $100! I posted a few photos on the right.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-59007749550507152652010-04-20T21:51:00.000-06:002010-04-20T21:51:22.950-06:00Friendship & GenerosityLast weekend, we went to a comedy club and dinner with some friends we met through our support group. After the first week of group, Billy and I wondered if it was weird to find couple friends through an infant loss support group. Turns out, not so weird after all. How strange to anticipate getting together with the group and think that it will be nice to be around "normal" people! Because this is now our <i>normal</i>, where people we deal with on a daily basis are usually sympathetic but beginning to forget, often supportive, but don't really <i>get it</i>. Because you really can't <i>get it</i> if you haven't been there. To be with people who are walking in these very same shoes is a comfort. It stinks to have been brought together by such crappy circumstances, but I feel blessed to have met these people, who in such a short time, I feel that I can call <i>friend</i>.<br />
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The March for Babies is only a few days away. I've been blown away by the support we've gotten from so many people. I set our original fundraising goal at $100, and quickly bumped it up to $250. As of today, we've raised almost double that. I am working on t-shirts for us to wear in the race, thanks to the inspiration of a friend. Hope they turn out decent! I'll post pictures after this weekend. I hear it's going to be cold and possibly a rain/snow mix that morning. Swell!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-34011706580954626592010-04-15T21:28:00.003-06:002010-04-15T21:33:08.029-06:00Marching on...Today I feel like I'm starting to get things back together. Maybe it's the fact that I got a solid night's sleep last night...what a difference that makes! I've decided that I'm going to focus on getting myself healthier again, so maybe the changes I've made in diet are kicking in and I feel good about that. School was easier today; I only teared up once or twice.<br />
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I've just set up a walking team for the March of Dimes March for Babies on April 24th. Our team will be called <i>Jesse's Honor</i>, and I'm hoping that we can recruit some friends and family to walk with us. The website is: <b>http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?seid=1434121I </b>. I think it will be a powerful, emotional experience, and it's something I feel driven to do, some <i>action</i> we can take to help in the fight for healthy babies. It's been a long time since I've walked five miles though!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-48211377794453514882010-04-11T21:48:00.000-06:002010-04-11T21:48:40.805-06:00Another hurdle clearedWell, I'm still feeling a bit icky, but I think the worst of it has passed. Today I got myself out of bed and took a shower and dressed. Seems like this time around seeing references to babies and pregnancy (which are EVERYWHERE) are a little more disturbing to me than before. I just wasn't allowing myself to think that it could happen AGAIN. So I'm pretty angry! <br />
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Tonight when we picked Sami up, she asked how many months until the baby gets here. When I didn't answer she said..."Ummm...I was just kidding." I told her that there was nothing wrong with her question, but that something went wrong again. Her response was a big sigh and, "That's IT. NO MORE things going wrong with our babies!" Hear, hear, sista!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-26780247041415187592010-04-09T22:36:00.000-06:002010-04-09T22:36:08.998-06:00ExtinguishedI used to think of pregnancy with some kind of permanence. Even though I know, you're only pregnant for 9 months, it's a given, a definite, that said pregnancy will result in a child, who, obviously, will be a permanent fixture in the lives of the parents. Right? Evidently not. I have grown to think of pregnancy as more of a slight possibility that it might result in an actual child. How is it that so many women actually are able to carry it to fruition, when I cannot?<br />
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Yesterday I had another bleeding episode. The doctor said to watch it and come to the ER if it got worse, and I could come in for another viability check tomorrow (today) if I wanted. I woke up this morning not feeling right. But I couldn't just not go to school, not after leaving in the middle of the day and leaving my mess of a classroom to a saint of a friend who was able to take my class for the rest of the day. I called for a sub this morning, but nobody picked it up. So my friend covered again for me this morning and the principal said they'd figure it out for the afternoon. And off I went to the doctor, expecting the result to be the same as last week. Because certainly it can't happen again.<br />
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But right away I knew it wasn't the same. The first thing the doctor noted was that the sac was no longer round, which isn't usually a good sign. And then she searched and searched for a heartbeat. There was none. The little flicker we'd seen only 3 days ago has been extinguished. <br />
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My mind is reeling again. Why does this keep happening to us? Am I really not cut out to be a mother? Did we try again too soon? Did we wait too long and now we're too old? Where do we go from here, with the little faith we had left after Jesse's death now diminished even more? Do I dare continue to try to bring a child into the world, or is that just wishing certain death on one after another? There is no certainty, no permanence to pregnancy. More like a shot in the dark and some people get lucky. Maybe I'm just not one of those people.<br />
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<i>Don't count your chickens before they hatch.</i>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-36377394690888592462010-04-07T20:37:00.000-06:002010-04-07T20:37:53.639-06:00We have a heartbeat!I had my "viability check" yesterday. At first it was a little iffy, because the doctor wasn't able to locate anything in my uterus at first, but after what seemed like an eternity of probing with the ultrasound, she suddenly shouted, "I SEE A HEARTBEAT!" So, for now it seems like we're okay. I am going to have bi-weekly appointments, at least for a while, and my doctor said that I can come in every week if I want just to do the Dopplar and make sure we still hear a heartbeat if I want to do that. So I'm still thinking that the reason for this scare was to get my docs to take me seriously when I said I wanted to be seen, because now they want to see me all the time! <br />
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I made my next three appointments. The 12 week appointment falls on Jesse's due date, May 13. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I decided to leave it as is because I didn't want to be at work that day anyway. Maybe in an odd way taking care of the new baby will be like a tribute to Jesse on that day.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-68850119822366560592010-04-02T20:29:00.000-06:002010-04-02T20:29:41.184-06:00Another New DayI had blood drawn for the 3rd time today...people are going to think I've started using intravenous drugs or something by the looks of my arms! Anyway, it appears that my hormone levels are increasing appropriately, so we're hopeful that things are okay. I have a follow up appointment on Tuesday, at which point we should be able to see something on an ultrasound...maybe even a heartbeat already! Keep your fingers crossed!Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7948642811230242630.post-89944638922378943742010-04-01T20:37:00.000-06:002010-04-01T20:37:47.056-06:00When it rains, it pours!This week is spring break! It's been so nice to be able to sleep in, and the weather's been basically agreeable. Yesterday was a day though. <br />
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Sami and I drop the dog off at Petco for grooming and head to the park to meet my friend, Ann Marie, and her kids for a playdate. It's a little chilly, but the kids are having a ball, bopping around between the 3 play areas (We sit in the middle trying to keep track of the three of them). There are a bunch of kids there and ours join in with another group to play. We're doing a headcount when suddenly we realize that Sami's nowhere to be found. We start to search in, around, behind all the equipment <i>(surely she's just in the fort or behind the slide, right?) </i>and she's nowhere to be found. Then Ann Marie's son says, "I saw her going that way with a lady in a green jacket." He's pointing toward the rec center building...and the parking lot. I think maybe she went in the rec to go to the bathroom we'd used earlier, so I start to run toward it...and as I'm running I feel a warm gush. <i>No, no, not again, not now!</i> I realize I must be bleeding. In the bathroom there are no children, but my fear is confirmed. No time to worry about that now. I run back outside and Ann Marie's coming toward me as I head back in the direction of the park. She starts waving her arms and pointing behind me, where Sami has come out another door and is coming up behind me. I don't know whether to spank her or hug her to death...I opt for hysterical screaming and rambling about how a stranger could've taken her, and too-tight hugging. She'd decided to go with the girls she was playing with to the bathroom (a different bathroom)without telling us where she was going. <br />
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That crisis averted, I turn my attention back to the other problem. I must be miscarrying. It's the only possibility. So we get in the car and I call my doctor, who says to come right to the office rather than going home first. Somewhere in there Petco calls and says that the dog is ready too. So Billy is going to get the dog and meet us at the doctor's. Hopefully before anything too awkward takes place with Sami in the room! (I do end up having to explain to her how babies get out of the mommy's tummy as an answer to why I have to take my pants off for them to check on the baby. Awkward!) He does get there before the exam though, thankfully.<br />
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They do an ultrasound and really can't see anything (at 5 1/2 weeks, they wouldn't be able to anyway) so they ask me to have blood drawn to check my pregnancy hormones. Then we'll have to wait 2 days and check it again to see what the hormone levels are doing before we'll know if this was a miscarriage or just some normal first trimester spotting. So I have blood drawn (twice...the nurse takes one vial and then chases me into the waiting room after realizing it's supposed to be two). So two blood draws and a blown vein later, we head home. A couple hours later the phone rings and it's the OB office. My hormone levels came back crazy high so they are scheduling a formal ultrasound at the hospital for me. <i>Don't go to the bathroom, start chugging water, and get over here!</i> So back to the hospital I go for an ultrasound. After the test I have to wait for a radiologist to review it, call the OB department and tell them what it showed, and then wait for the on-call (the office is closed by this time) doc to call and tell me what it showed. The good news, there IS an embryonic sac in the uterus, so it's not ectopic. The bad news, I'm still only 5 1/2 weeks so a fetus still isn't visible. So, it MIGHT be okay, and then again it might not. I have to go back tomorrow to draw blood again to see what's happening to my hormone levels. Then a viability check on Tuesday, and then another regular OB appointment the following week. I guess if it all turns out all right, then the reason this happened was to get my doctors on the ball and make them see me more often! So we're praying and hoping that this little one will still make it.<br />
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Ann Marie said that while we were searching for Sami, her six-year-old son decided we needed a prayer and sat down at a picnic table and prayed, <i>Dear Heavenly Father, Keep Sami safe and help us to find her!</i> and just then was when she came running out of the building. Somebody was watching out for us, I'm sure! Maybe our angel, Jesse, didn't want to see us lose any more babies and was with his big sister Sami and his little brother or sister in my womb that day.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02268943028650397582noreply@blogger.com3