Today we received a disc from the hospital containing the photographs taken of Jesse after his birth. I had spoken to a nurse on the phone last week who called to invite us to join a support group, and had asked her to send them. Billy and I looked at them together, and it was difficult, but not as hard as I expected it to be. Jesse was perfect. I feel great guilt in the fact that it was my body that forced him out, even though I know that I did nothing wrong, that there was no way I could've known what would happen.
Just two weeks ago, my doctor did some blood tests. To rule things out, if nothing else. I really didn't expect that we'd get an "answer." But the phone rang a few days later, and my doc said that one of my levels had been abnormal, and that it appears that I have an antithrombin III deficiency. They wanted us to wait 2 more months and then retest to see if it still shows the same thing. From what I've read, it sounds like antithrombin III prevents clots. I am assuming then that since my level was low, that it FAILED to prevent a clot. Blood flow was cut off from little Jesse, and that seems to be what caused the miscarriage.
I am still trying to figure out just what my purpose is here. I guess it's just a place to write down what goes through my mind. I know that I have found great comfort in hearing stories of people who have been through what we are going through now, and hope that someone might find similar comfort in my story.
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I didn't even know that the hospital did that with pictures. That's neat. It is a sad reminder, but also how neat to have that. There will be sad reminders throughout your life. It seems to never go away.
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