One year ago tonight, our nightmare began. One year ago tonight, I went into the hospital with my precious baby. One year ago tomorrow, I left without him.
They say that time heals, and it does. It does not take away the pain, but it makes it less intense. Some days I'm just fine and others, it rips my heart out to see a baby who is about the age Jesse should've been. Or to walk through a store and see something I just know I'd have bought for him. Some days I resent friends and family who have had healthy babies since we lost Jesse, or who are expecting them. What gets me most though is the people who say that we need to "get over it" or "move on." I KNOW that a lot of people have lost their babies too, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a need to remember him and have him remembered. A lot of people...A LOT of people...just don't get it.
I'm still not sure just how Sami understands this whole thing. Some days she says that her baby brother is in heaven. Then other days she asks when WILL her baby brother get here? This week she had some sippy cups that she brought back to our house from her grandparents' and she kept saying that the cups were her baby brother's. Over. And Over. And Over. Billy finally had to tell her to stop saying that because I couldn't take it any more.
I've come to the realization that maybe having a baby just isn't in the cards for us. We're not getting any younger. We have been trying for 5 months and no dice, and an illness has now left my body too weak to carry a child. So maybe it's just not meant to be.