In Loving Memory of Jesse Gabriel Kammerzell

Your precious feet left tiny footprints in our hearts...

Sunday, February 28, 2010


Tomorrow, Billy and I will start attending a Solace support group offered through the hospital where I delivered. I had been feeling like I didn't really need anything like that, but the past couple of weeks have been rough, so I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt. I'm sure it'll feel like rubbing salt in the wound at first, but I think it'll be a good step toward healing. And if it really sucks, it's only for 5 weeks. They cover topics ranging from stages of grief, to memorializing the baby, to subsequent pregnancies. We will see how it goes...

Saturday, February 27, 2010

A sad reminder

Today we received a disc from the hospital containing the photographs taken of Jesse after his birth. I had spoken to a nurse on the phone last week who called to invite us to join a support group, and had asked her to send them. Billy and I looked at them together, and it was difficult, but not as hard as I expected it to be. Jesse was perfect. I feel great guilt in the fact that it was my body that forced him out, even though I know that I did nothing wrong, that there was no way I could've known what would happen.

Just two weeks ago, my doctor did some blood tests. To rule things out, if nothing else. I really didn't expect that we'd get an "answer." But the phone rang a few days later, and my doc said that one of my levels had been abnormal, and that it appears that I have an antithrombin III deficiency. They wanted us to wait 2 more months and then retest to see if it still shows the same thing. From what I've read, it sounds like antithrombin III prevents clots. I am assuming then that since my level was low, that it FAILED to prevent a clot. Blood flow was cut off from little Jesse, and that seems to be what caused the miscarriage.

I am still trying to figure out just what my purpose is here. I guess it's just a place to write down what goes through my mind. I know that I have found great comfort in hearing stories of people who have been through what we are going through now, and hope that someone might find similar comfort in my story.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Missing Jesse

I'm new to blogging, but was inspired by a friend who has an amazing blog in honor of her angel baby (Thanks, Katy!). My name is Karen. I have the most wonderful husband, Billy, and an amazing stepdaughter named Sami who is five. It's been just over two months since we lost our baby at 19 weeks. Jesse would've been my firstborn.

The pregnancy had been uneventful, easy even. I had laughed when my doctor called me high risk because I'd have been 35 for a month when I delivered...if I'd made it to the due date of May 13. As it turned out, God had different plans for us. It was the first night of winter break...I'm a teacher...when Jesse was born, silently.

Some days I think I'm doing fine and then the grief hits me like a ton of bricks and I find myself right back there in that hospital room, holding this tiny, perfect, still and silent bundle, understanding but not understanding, that our baby was at once here, and gone. I was so sure he was a girl, but my husband wanted a boy in the worst way, so it was bittersweet when we learned that he was a he.

It has been a difficult journey, one which I know is only beginning and which will never end. And now I am mommy to a perfect angel in heaven, our Jesse Gabriel.