In Loving Memory of Jesse Gabriel Kammerzell

Your precious feet left tiny footprints in our hearts...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hope Regained

We went to the reproductive endocrinologist today. There is good news and bad. The bad news is that there are fibroids, and some of them are in my uterus. The good news is that they can be removed with a simple surgery that requires no cutting and virtually no recovery time! The doctor said we could try again as soon as a month or two after surgery. He said he can't guarantee that they are what caused our losses, but that it's a good possibility. I am scheduled for surgery on July 14.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. The day we came home from vacation, Billy graduated from DeVry. I'm so very proud of him! Now I just hope that the job market will open up for him! We are planning a graduation party later in the month. (3 days after my surgery, so I hope the doc is right in saying I'll be back on my feet as soon as the anesthesia wears off!)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Moving forward

We've been on vacation in the mountains this week. Isn't it amazing how we can go on vacation and still be totally connected? Maybe that's not always a good thing, but this week it was. On Monday, my mother-in-law and I drove back down to Denver for my HSG. They put dye in my uterus and took pictures to try and figure out these fibroids. My perinatologist called me yesterday and said that indeed there are fibroids and they are in the uterine cavity. He referred me on to Reproductive Endocrinology. They will be able to talk to us about the options we have from here. So I made an appointment with them for next week. Another round of waiting to see what comes next for us!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The most selfless act...

Yesterday, my friend Julie, who's in town visiting with her 2 month old son, texted me. She had an idea and wanted to talk to me and Billy about it. Several texts later, she and her baby, her sister and HER baby, and her 4 year old niece were on their way over for a swim. I was worried about how I might react to the babies. Julie's son was born just a month before Jesse's due date. I worried for nothing though, because it was such fun to have two tiny little ones and to watch her niece in the pool. I wished that Sami had been here to play with her. Anyway, I haven't even mentioned the incredible part of the story. Julie's idea was this. What if, should we find out that we couldn't carry a child, she carried it for us? After all, she's healthy and has her son, and isn't planning on having another for a few years. I am brought to tears by her generosity and kindness. To have even thought of offering it...she said she's been thinking about it for a long time, but just hadn't said anything yet, and her husband is supportive as well. Wow. It got my brain spinning. We are not to that point yet, and will continue with our doctors to try again, but it is very comforting to know that we have options. By her mentioning it, a door has been opened. It will make it easier for us to start thinking about it, should it come to that. I don't even know how to express to her how touched and grateful I am. How do you thank someone for such a selfless offer?

(I know these posts are out of order...but I thought this one deserved its own title!)

Long time...

I had lunch with a friend today, who reminded me that I haven't been on here for some time. Guess that last month of school really got away from me! I had more teary-eyed kids on the last day of school this year than I think I ever have in the past. Did my emotional state wear on them that much this year? Then again, a bunch of them wanted my email address so they could write to me over the summer, and has anyone written yet? No! It is such a relief to have a little time to relax and gather my thoughts now.

A few weeks ago, I picked Sami up at the sitter's, and her grandbaby was there. She was only 8 days old, and just sleeping away! On the way home Sami said, "Did you see that baby? She's so little! And she was just sleeping and sleeping. Karen, when are we going to get our baby?" Sigh. Some day, I hope! My friend and I were talking today about the children we DO have, and how they sometimes get overshadowed by the babies we lost. It seems like we spend so much time memorializing the ones we lost and mourning them that we have to be sure to continue to honor the ones we do have. It is striking, the insight these very small children have, even at such tender ages. Sami's mom says that Sami often tells her, "Mom, I AM a big sister you know. My brother just lives in heaven." I have a fear that she will forget about Jesse. I don't want her to grow up and stop acknowledging that she is a big sister.

I went to the perinatologist on the 4th. He seems to think that the fibroids are "where the money is." I'll be having an HSG (histosalpinogram) next week where they'll take pictures of my uterus to see what's going on physically. After that, we wait for results. Then the doctor will decide if we should have the fibroids surgically removed. Or he may send us on to reproductive endocrinology. So it's more waiting. And I'm wishing that I hadn't waited to go to the doctor in the first place because maybe by now we wouldn't be waiting any more! He also said he thinks the clotting is a non-factor.