I'm not one of those bereaved mothers who can't stand the thought of someone else's happy pregnancy or healthy baby. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me or feel like they can't bask in their own joy because of me. But I do very much appreciate it when people acknowledge the fact that I may be sensitive about their situations. Like just asking, Do you want to hear this? Is it okay to talk about this? And after that, it always is. I am so appreciative of those who will just say something rather than allow that awkward silence, you know?
Jesse is my child, and always will be. I've also lost my father and that doesn't mean that nobody can talk about their fathers around me, and who would think of it? (Though Father's Day does always make me tear up a little, and father-daughter dances at weddings.) I suppose that certain milestones will always be a little tough...Jesse's due date, watching other babies or children who Jesse'd have been close to in age. At any rate, we won't let Jesse's name be forgotten and we'll honor him as a member of our family, but life does go on. Am I wrong for feeling that way?
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I think I know how you feel. I too, feel a strong need to move forward and look at things positively. (Sometimes this can be challenging though!) I think we all need to give ourselves permission to move out of the strongly grieving phase into the missing you and lovingly remembering you phase. It is difficult to do this b/c some strongly associate their grief with remembering their loved one and if they move away from that grief they feel like they are forgetting their baby. It sounds like you don't associate grief with Jesse, rather you are more peaceful with his memory and you hold that in your heart, in a loving way.
ReplyDeleteWe all feel our grief differently, and we all have different thresholds as far as what will trigger emotional outbursts. I can't say that seeing pregnant women does not affect me at all, (b/c it does) but of my friends who are pregnant or just had babies I do feel as though they are very blessed and I don't avoid them. Just b/c I don't break down in front of them, it doesn't mean I miss Julia any less than any of the other moms, I just have different triggers and deal with these emotional situations differently.
Nothing about the way you feel is wrong. It is right for you.