Jesse's Day

Thursday, May 13, would have been Jesse's due date. I took the day off ahead of time, unsure of how I'd feel that day. Though I teared up once or twice, it was an okay day. I was grateful to spend some time with Renee for a Jesse's Day lunch...it's so nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it. If you haven't been through this thing, you really can't get what it feels like. I am still working up the courage to get my tattoo...Jesse's little feet with wings.
I'm down to 12 days of school this school year. I can't tell you how ready I am for a break. I've been struggling a lot this month with my own emotions, to the point that it's hard to focus on my students and their needs over my own. I'm so tired of feeling sad and angry and short on patience, tired of feeling resentful of people with babies, tired of thinking when I find out that someone is pregnant, "Well good luck with that" instead of the excitement and joy I should feel for them. It seems like EVERYONE and her sister is pregnant these days!
Maybe summer will give me the time to relax and focus on myself that I need to get back to a healthy state of mind.

I am...

I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.
I wonder if he’d have had his daddy’s eyes
I hear his laughter, his cry in my dreams
I see his tiny pink feet
I want to feel his sweet breath on my cheek
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.

I pretend that it didn’t happen like it did
I feel aching emptiness
I touch the silky blanket with no baby wrapped in it
I worry that he is alone
I cry. I cry.
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.

I understand that I will not hold him
I say it will be okay
I dream that one day we will know each other
I try to make sense of it all
I hope to one day cradle my own child in my arms
I am the mother of an angel named Jesse.