Tailspinning

This week when I went to pick Sami up at the sitter's, I walked in to find my friend's 19 year old and very pregnant daughter sitting on the couch. I found it very difficult not to stare at her belly, a belly like I should've been hauling around about now. She's due 2 weeks after I was. As that date comes closer I'm feeling more and more anxious. And let's not even start on Mother's Day! Billy asked me what I want to do for that day, since I am a mother, and really, I don't know. Ignore it completely? I don't want to. But what on Earth would be a suitable way to spend that day? I can't even imagine.

I called to make an appointment with the Perinatologist this week and he's already booked through May. The sweet receptionist told me the dates he'd be in in June, but that she didn't have the official calendar yet. She told me to call right away on Monday to get an appointment in June. In the meantime, I'm having terrible headaches since I started taking birth control pills again. Billy suggested I just stop taking them. And I'm tempted. It's so hard because I feel like we're wasting time. You know they say third time's the charm. And in a way I'm terrified to GO to the doctor for fear he'll tell me that I'll never carry a child. And then what? Then what??

Check out the poem I posted at right, "Don't Tell Me." It was shared with a friend from the Mondays in March group. How I'd like to send it to everyone I know!